Four years after checking herself into rehab, Kesha is finally speaking out about the exact moment she realized she needed to start eating and let go of a life of starvation and shame.
She was at a dinner party with friends and family, sitting in front of a plate of food and internally struggling with how she’d hide it.
She told Rolling Stone,
“And I was like, ‘Oh, my God, what if they walk outside and see this food in a bush? Or they see it in the garbage can?’ And I just had all this mounting anxiety. And then finally I was like, ‘Fuck. This. Shit. Fuck this shit. I’m hungry!’ And I am so anxious that I feel like I’m going to explode from all the secrets. All the secret times I’m pretending to eat or other times I’m purging, and I’m trying to not let anybody know. And I’m just fucking sick of this shit.”
Kesha had been body-shamed for years, from her manager Dr. Luke and from others who would compliment her figure when she was really at her sickest. The shame and the standards eventually spiraled into an eating disorder. But her courage led her to seek out the help of her mom and rehabilitation.
The same night as the dinner party, she asked her mom to meet her at a gas station for help, as she came to terms with her sickness.
“I didn’t know how to even eat. At that point, I’d forgotten how to do it. I just remember crying into a carbohydrate, being like, ‘I can’t eat it. It’s going to make me fat, and if I’m fat, I can’t be a singer because pop stars can’t eat food – they can’t be fat.'”
Kesha and her mom flew straight to rehab, where she stayed in treatment for 30 days.
And with this grueling process of realization and healing came a beautiful album, Rainbow, where we witness Kesha’s liberation, strength, and power.