For Zoe Kazan, anorexia was her everyday life. This is how she was able to overcome the deadly disease.
The actress wrote an essay for The New York Times in which she recalled her struggle with the disease as a teen and got painfully honest about the lengths she had to go in order to bring herself out of it.
“For a year and a half, I had been struggling with a bout of anorexia that had knocked 20 pounds off my already slim frame. I had to be weighed multiple times a week at the medical center at Yale, where I went to school, and I saw a therapist almost as often. The causes for my eating disorder ran along the usual lines: depression, an inability to express my rage, a desire to exert control, a desire to feel less, a desire to have my body express the things my voice could not. That, and I had gotten in the habit of believing it was better to take up less space.”
She explains the great lengths she went to hide the eating disorder from her boyfriend and how she would only eat half her plate in front of friends.
She eventually put on a little weight pretending not to have an eating disorder and eventually learned to eat again.
“It wasn’t wellness exactly, but night after night, I filled my plate and ate everything on it.”
Although Kazan is now well, she says it took a while for her brain to catch up with her mouth.
“I didn’t get better all at once — it took years for me to stop counting calories, stop needing a system to get through a meal. Years to get my brain back.”
She eventually even told her boyfriend the truth about her eating disorder, who told he what she should have known all along: she is loved just the way she is.