NikkieTutorials Says She Still Has 'Dark Days' After Coming Out as Transgender

nikkie tutorials trans
credit: @nikkietutorials/Instagram

Nikkie de Jager, better known as NikkieTutorials online, is still struggling after coming out to her fans as transgender.

The makeup artist and influencer decided to come out in January after someone started blackmailing her. Although the response was largely positive, Nikkie recently said that she still struggles months later. She told &C,

“One day I’m insecure and I don’t dare to face the world, the other day I think: fuck it. It is mostly going well, but I still have dark days now and then.”

Her doctor eventually ended up diagnosing her with PTSD. Nikkie said,

“All my symptoms [pointed] towards PTSD. All I can do is give myself time to give it a place, [my doctor] said. So I try that, although it is still difficult at times.”

For the most part, her fans rallied around her and embraced her, but obviously that didn’t prevent transphobic people from sending hateful messages to her.

“I am used to being criticized about how I look. But criticizing who I am is much more personal. When I see comments from some people on social media, I sometimes think: God, you are so mean.”

Nikkie previously said that she always planned on coming out to her fans, but obviously the blackmailer forced her to come out much earlier than she planned.

One of her biggest worries about coming out was that everyone would stop talking about her talents in makeup and focus on her trans identity, but luckily, that hasn’t been the case.

“My biggest fear was that it would no longer be about my work, but about who I am. No longer about makeup, but about what used to hang between my legs. Fortunately, that turns out not to be the case.”

Even before coming out and making headlines everywhere, Nikkie was an accomplished makeup artist and vlogger. In 2017, Forbes named her one of the top 10 beauty influencers and in 2019, Marc Jacobs Beauty tapped her to serve as their Global Beauty Advisor.

She was also set to host Eurovision online this year, but then coronavirus hit and the contest was canceled.

Regardless of everything that’s happened — the good and the bad — Nikkie is still happy with her coming out journey.

“Even if there’s only one person out there who thinks: I can achieve that. Yes, that’s who I do it for, for the other little Nikkies out there.”


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Lena Finkel
Lena Finkel is the Editor and Founder of Femestella and The Feminist Health Source. Prior to starting Femestella, she worked at People, InStyle, Tiger Beat, and Sesame Workshop (aka Sesame Street). She loves all things Real Housewives and The Challenge. When she's not busy binge-watching TV, you can find her taking an absurd amount of photos of her tuxedo cat Tom.